Why Anger is Our Preferred Emotion

We have to know what we’re feeling before we can share it with our partner.

When I meet with couples and teach them the communication framework, it becomes apparent that labeling their feelings is something new. 

They often jump to - “angry,” “frustrated,” or “fine.” 

It can be hard to go deeper and tune in to the feelings that are simmering beneath the surface. These are the more vulnerable emotions that are uncomfortable to sit with, like lonely, unimportant, not thought of, not cared for, or judged. Many of us are skilled at jumping from discomfort to anger, where we can focus on something or someone outside of ourselves and project all our hurt there. 

Identifying the underlying emotions is crucial to open, transparent communication with a partner. It’s so much easier for them to empathize with and understand us when we share the hurt.

Saying something like:

“I’m feeling really lonely because the past three nights I’ve gone to bed by myself and I’ve seen you sit at the computer until midnight.”

Sends a very different message than:

“You are a workaholic! You never stop. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know why you bother, you only care about work - forget the family.”

The underlying needs are the same in both scenarios. But, the first statement is clear, vulnerable and more likely to receive validation and understanding.

 If this is something you struggle with, let me know in the comments below - what emotion do you find yourself avoiding by jumping into anger?