Blog
Why Anger is Our Preferred Emotion
We have to know what we’re feeling before we can share it with our partner.
When I meet with couples and teach them the communication framework, it becomes apparent that labeling their feelings is something new.
They often jump to - “angry,” “frustrated,” or “fine.”
It can be hard to go deeper and tune in to the feelings that are simmering beneath the surface. These are the more vulnerable emotions that are uncomfortable to sit with, like lonely, unimportant, not thought of, not cared for, or judged. Many of us are skilled at jumping from discomfort to anger, where we can focus on something or someone outside of ourselves and project all our hurt there.
What Happens When I Yell at My Husband
Last weekend, I yelled at my husband.
It was one of those moments that was so incredibly small, but a few years ago would have gone nuclear.
We were unpacking the car and he went to open the trunk, but it wouldn’t open. I could hear the mechanism unlocking over and over again, but the trunk was stuck. Now, my husband has a tendency to break things. Which I suppose sounds critical, so let me say… I wish my husband would be a bit more gentle with things.
I was annoyed, got out of the car, and snapped at him.
“What did you do to it?!”
5 Ways to Communicate Better By Listening
You know what couples tend to be really bad at?
Listening.
Like, truly listening.
It’s one of the most powerful lessons we need to learn if we’re going to be in a safe, emotionally supportive relationship. It’s also a powerful lesson to learn as we work to dismantle systemic racism in the U.S.
Let’s talk about what being a better listener looks like:
You’re open-minded, not defensive. You are willing to listen with a blank slate in your mind. You have no preconceived notion of what the other person is going to say. You’re not becoming preemptively defensive and building a case for why your perspective is right, theirs is wrong, or picking apart each point they present as they speak. You’ve dropped fully into your role as a listener and feel no need to guard your own beliefs.
In Lieu of This Week’s Post
Out of respect for the untimely death of George Floyd and many others who have been victims of institutional racism, as well as those suffering from racially-motivated aggression and injustice, I will not be sharing any new content this week.
The atmosphere is heavy and emotions are running high. This is not the time to turn away from the feelings you are experiencing. I encourage my non-Black readers to use this time to reflect, learn, and support Black people in your community, as I am.
I want to use this platform to amplify the voices of Black thought leaders and share resources to deepen your understanding and provide clear actions you can take to help elevate Black people and People of Color in your community. Please see below for Instagram accounts, books, and podcasts to start with.
It's not about how it should be, it's about how it feels.
If there’s something happening in your relationship that doesn’t feel good, like:⠀
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💔 You’re communicated with in a way that’s not comfortable.⠀
💔 The division of labor feels off.⠀
💔 You don’t have enough quality time together.⠀
💔 You don’t feel connected or close to one another.⠀
💔 You experience your partner yelling at you or using harsh tones.⠀
💔 You don’t feel heard or understood when you share your perspective.⠀
💔 You feel dismissed or rejected when you reach out.⠀
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You don’t need to build a case for why your partner is wrong for doing these things.⠀
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You feeling hurt by it is enough.
Are You Microrejecting Your Partner?
If you’ve been around for a bit, you’re probably familiar with rituals of connection. These are small, positive interactions you have with your partner on a consistent basis. They build the foundation for good feelings, offering benefit of the doubt, and seeing your partner through rose-colored glasses.
Rituals of connection are powerful.
But, if microrejections are happening, their effectiveness is going to be reduced. The deposits they’re making in the emotional bank account are going to be chipped away.
Microrejections are tiny moments of turning away from one another.
Let's talk about what DOESN'T work
Let’s talk about what doesn’t work.
I’m sure you have already tried everything to feel closer to your partner again.
You’ve tried asking your partner why they don’t want to spend time with you, but they say, “I do,” and nothing ever changes.
You’ve tried waiting for them to make the first move and invite you to watch a show together or join you for a cup of coffee in the morning, but they don’t.
You act angry and withdrawn to show your partner that something is clearly bothering you. You hope they’ll realize and take some action, but nothing happens.
Feel Closer to Your Partner in 7 Days
My Feel Closer to Your Partner in 7 Days Coaching Program begins on Monday!
I’m excited to take another group of couples through this powerful transformation.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
The three areas of your relationship you MUST focus on if you’re going to feel connected
My top 17 suggestions for joint activities that strengthen those areas (don’t worry, you’re only choosing ONE)
A simple daily practice for shifting how you think and feel about your partner immediately
My 20 minute exercise for feeling deeply connected to and supported by your partner every day
The three things you’re doing in conversation that lead to emotional disconnection
4 things you can do to show up for your partner and relationship, even when you don’t feel like it
The exact habits you and your partner need to create to feel more appreciated
So, You Don't Spend Enough Quality Time Together
This topic is probably primed for philosophical debate.
But, I’d argue it til the end.
Perception is everything in relationships.
Everything.
Not, most things.
Not, really important.
Everything.
Couples get stuck in cycles of conflict and poor communication when they expect to, regardless of what each partners’ intentions are.
If you expect your partner to be invalidating, you will see them as invalidating. If you expect your partner to get angry when you bring up a concern, you will see them as angry.
Seeing your partner (and being seen by them) through a positive lens is powerful.
I Roll My Eyes When People Talk About “Self-Care”
I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations about self-care lately.
A lot of people are feeling like they don’t have time or it can’t be a priority right now because everything else feels more pressing.
Look, I roll my eyes when I hear “self-care.”
But, I also know if we do nothing to ground and care for our bodies and minds, they will eventually do it for us. We’ll get sick. We’ll get a migraine (hello, me last week). We’ll face exhaustion.
I know multiple people who tested negative for COVID-19, but had aligned symptoms - fatigue, headache, muscle weakness, shortness of breath.
Guess what?
It was unmanaged stress and anxiety.
If we don’t care for our bodies, they will create symptoms so we have to.
How We’re Surviving “Stay at Home” During Coronavirus
My husband and I have been fully home together for almost three weeks now. And you know what? There have been no blow-ups, no periods of not speaking, and no disconnection.
We’re both working (from home) and trying to manage the household needs. For people who were often on the run, preparing and cleaning up after three meals a day is quite a shift. We have a kitty with some medical issues who needs care three times a day and weekly trips to the vet, even in this craziness. I’m working more now than I usually am and he’s working very long hours 6-7 days a week.
We’re not in vacation mode.
In all this, we’ve had our moments of frustration or being short with one another, but overall we’re navigating this as a team.
The Most Effective Way to Start a Fight
In a relationship, we make lots of assumptions about our partner’s intentions.
Their tone sounds frustrated, so we assume they’re frustrated with us.
Their facial expression seems uninterested, so we assume they’re uninterested in what we’re telling them.
They didn’t answer our texts for a few hours, so we assume they’re purposely ignoring us.
Our assumptions are based on perception, not reality, so they cannot be heavily relied on. You can, however, rely on the answer your partner gives you about their intentions. You just have to ask.
So, why don’t we ask?
7 Ways to Stay Sane and Even Have Fun During the Coronavirus Pandemic
You are probably overwhelmed with the amount of info coming your way in these wild times. As schools are closing and we are practicing social distancing, here are some ways to stay healthy and mentally well while things are shifting around you.
Stay Active
Staying active is one of the most important ways we can support our bodies and minds in times of stress, illness, and isolation. As we practice social distancing, we need to remain as active as possible. Going for walks and playing outside are great for keeping us feeling our best mentally and physically. Do a jumping jack challenge with your kiddos or challenge everyone in the house to see how many sit ups or push-ups you can do.
It’s Time to Feel More Loved
Now that you have a deeper understanding of the emotional bank account and how a low balance may be playing out in your relationship, you can do something to change it.
To make change happen, you’ve got to be willing to do things differently. This means communicating differently, reacting to one another differently, and managing your emotions differently. You’ve got to be open to feedback about the ways each of you contribute to the negative cycle as it currently stands. It may feel uncomfortable or even awkward when you first start this process, but that feeling is temporary.
How Friendship + Intimacy Break Down
Let’s go more in depth on the emotional bank account. We know that when the ratio is skewed towards the negative we can feel misunderstood and frustrated in our relationship. But, what happens if the balance remains low over time?
Friendship breaks down. Emotional intimacy breaks down. Physical intimacy breaks down.
It’s like a domino effect, as one leads to the next.
The Real Reason You’re Not Feeling Good in Your Relationship
When couples are struggling, they identify the same few causes. “It’s our communication,” they say. “We just can’t talk about anything without it turning into an argument.” Or they identify an issue with conflict resolution. “We never resolve anything. It just gets brushed under the rug and then comes back again a few weeks or months later.”
When things aren’t feeling good in our relationship, there’s often some distance between us and our partner that we’re not able to bridge.